Ten Ways To Look GREAT This Summer


  1. Change Society’s Perception Of Beauty

Contrary to some common beliefs, beauty is not timeless. So, chill- you’re not ugly, your face is just out of fashion.

Fun fact: in Victorian England they liked their ladies’ skin ghostpale and their men to have rasta hair covered in flour. This goes to show nobody knows what will be the next big look.

On the other hand it can take hundreds of years for the way you are to be considered ‘okay looking, I guess’ or ‘acceptable if only to end a dry spell.’

Long wait, folks, but no pain, no gain.


  1. Move Somewhere That Accepts Your Kind

Can’t wait for the sands of time? Then leave your family and follow me, cultural diversity!

There has to be one society out there that won’t stone you on sight, right? Emigrate there.

For instance, in the former and future USSR it’s kitsch to be an obese male in order to totally signify wealth, power and security from government brutality.


  1. Accessorize Well

Why not purchase a plot of land on the moon, frame the property deeds and wear it as a medallion?

Animals in bags? Stat. A dog’s a little obvious though- try a marsupial. Fill a bumbag full of jelly, pop it in, zip it up and get out there. Double stat.

Or, if you’re going for the mysterious vibe, look no further than smoke bombs.

Meeting a blind date? Smoke bomb.

Diamond Anniversary meal? Smoke bomb.

Desirability perfected.


  1. Hire An Entourage

But whatever you do, don’t acknowledge them. Play it cool this summer.

Choosing the right entourage is tough. Dance troupe, yes. Band of dirty street urchins, no. Shakespeare’s gone, get over it.


  1. Frequent A House Of Mirrors

When you find the mirror for you, you’ll know. (Tip: it won’t be the fairest of them all.) Communicate only via your chosen mirror. No exceptions.


  1. Camouflage Yourself

Out of sight, out of mind. Now you’re invisible people are bound to ease up around you and enjoy themselves. Like a good sport officialatorée the less you’re noticed, the better you’re doing.


  1. Get Enough Beauty Sleep

For you this probably means hibernating until next summer. OMG summer is so close, guys!


  1. Date An Apiarist

Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder so why not date one? Since they keep bees as their livelihood they probably haven’t met people yet, so they’ll have nothing to compare you to.

Better yet become an apiarist yourself and take full advantage of the amazing apparel. Mesh on your face and white all over, amateur spaceman chic is so hot.


  1. Reincarnate

A touch metaphysical, we know, but trial and error could be your best bet. I am so excited for summer right now.


  1. Achieve Inner Peace and Contentment

For you this means giving up/resigning yourself to your miserable excuse for existence. Summer!

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