With a little under a week until England’s first group game against Italy, the British press has been paralyzed by what can only be described as collective cowardice. Time is running out and the big questions have yet to be put before the squad and the management team.

Surely if truth and journalistic integrity are to prevail it has been left to those with exclusive access to England’s World Cup camp in Rio, namely Gabriel Clarke and Gabby Logan of ITV and BBC respectively: the two Gabs.

Bettered only by Geoff Shreeves, a man who presumably would have relished relaying to Abraham that God wanted him to kill his only son, these two journos hold up the beacon of brightly flaming veracity in a world of lies and sycophancy.  They’ll have hard hitting questions and there’s no way they’re going to pull them.

But just in case they’re struggling for queries, here’s a few questions they might want to ask the team, free of charge. Some gifts for the Gabs:


For the team generally

-Is there anyone in the team with one foot slightly bigger (or smaller) than the other?

-Who gets bullied the most?

-It’s Phil Jones, isn’t it?

-At what point does Gary Neville usually step in and say ‘Alright lads, we’ve had our fun’ ending it all with a definitive but quite brutal noogie?

-Before or after Jones’ boots have been filled with piss?


Leighton Baines

-As the first professional footballer in England to openly acknowledge your preference for alternative rock, do you consider yourself a role model?

-Leighton: Is it true that you signed your record new deal at Everton, mistakenly believing you’d signed a record deal?

-And that instead of a testimonial match, you’ve asked for the club to get you a yurt at Glastonbury?


Phil Jagelika

-Where’s John Terry, Phil?

-What have you done with John Terry?

-Really, where is he?

-We don’t mind. You’ve done everyone a favour. But where is he?

-So, he’s in a lockup but you’re not prepared to say exactly where?

-Does he have access to running water?


Roy Hodgson

-Your admiration for the works of Philip Roth is well known. Portnoy’s Complaint: narcissistic indulgence or a shining example of American literature at its best?


-You can’t just pick one. Discuss your answer.

-Have you even read any Philip Roth?

-You’re illiterate, aren’t you, Roy?



-Do you really think you’re the man to save England from relegation?

-Why do we have a Beach Boy for a goalkeeping coach?


Frank Lampard

-Frank take us through that Latin GCSE again: A* as soon as it left your pen, and I don’t care what examination board you’re sitting, you plain embarrassed Ammianus Marcellinus scholars with that stellar translation and analysis.

-Quite right- I didn’t ask a question did, I?

-You’re as smart as they say you are.

-Sage. That’s the word.



Adam Lallana

-Adam, just how many times a day do you utter your own surname in a seductive fashion?

-That many? Me too.

-If you added five more.

-And then some.

-What was the reasoning behind converting your back garden into a prison yard?

– Just kidding around with the name thing, but it really is lovely.

-You should be proud.

-Lovely Lallana.


For the Darts Circle (Milner, Hart, Johnson)

-Since the Darts Circle, formed at South Africa 2010, is now without Jamo (David James) and Gareth Barry (Gareth Barry), who else plays darts in their spare time?

-And why?

-For hours?

-Completely sober?

-Literally nothing? You’re all completely with it the whole time?


Ricky Lambert

-Some have been questioning your state of mind. What do you say to those people?

-You think waking up every morning shouting ‘Is it too late?’ a la Ebenezer Scrooge is normal, Ricky?

-There’s footage of you on the phone to your Mum crying, ‘I never want to wake up from this dream.’

-So you’d say you are looking forward to joining up with the Liverpool team come September?


Luke Shaw

-This year has been one of drastic change for you. How are you dealing with it all?

-Do you have Adam Lallana’s number?


Daniel Sturridge

-Do you mind spending so much time with people who are less dimensional than you?

-You can do magic tricks, now? And you’re currently half way through your Duke of Edinburgh Silver?


Phil Jones

-Nice boots, piss feet.

-I’m Gabby Logan.


-No I’m not going to show you my identification Jonsey.

-If you say a word I swear I’m gonna make your life constant, unbearable pain.