A Brief History of Running

Like most great human discoveries- penicillin, the flamethrower- running came about entirely by accident.

Yonks ago B.C a humble caveman called ‘Long Hair’ was astriding over towards ‘Widest Hips’, the most beautiful and fertile girl in the village. (She was also one of those lucky people whose B.O smelt quite nice.) All in all, a great catch.

In his efforts to present Hips with a rattail necklace, Long Hair walked at such a pace that he lost his footing. Long Hair tripped. This caused all the other cavemen, particularly Darren, to burst into laughter.

But Long Hair was clever. He did it again and again, tripping more often than an inebriated Miranda Hart showing off at an ice rink that had been covered in Fairy Liquid, thus proving it was on purpose. Long Hair, unlike Miranda, understood that slapstick worked only as a surprise and its humourous effect could be completely negated by repetition. But, he did it so many times that he actually started running; propelled by his legs faster than ever before!

Unfortunately, this story does not have an entirely happy ending. Long Hair had no idea how to stop: how could he?

Long Hair trampled three people to death and only stopped running when he collided with an ostrich that wasn’t looking where it was standing. Long Hair didn’t survive his death: each one of them sacrifices for human progress.

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After the sack of Carthage, the art of running was completely lost for hundreds of years, preserved only by the peoples of the East jogging on the spot, taking turns when one grew tired. The West, stricken with division, slunk back into spiritual and cultural decline, citing existential and literal ‘shin splints.’

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Running has often attracted the attention sadistic individuals. Inventors of the ‘bleep test’ and ‘track’- otherwise known as ‘goose, goose, duck’- have been declared by some psychologists as a ‘bit serious.’

A recent discovery however has dashed the misconception that the ‘bleep test’ was the brainchild of some frustrated military man with a lot of issues. Rather, it was the Aztec prince Montezuma, who also had a lot of issues.

As we all know, Monty had a big penchant for stripping his subjects of their skin and wearing said skin about the town whilst painting it red. Only the last man standing from the Aztec bleep test would live to fight another day. Alas, since it was Montezuma who set the distance and went ‘beep’, nobody ever made it past the first round. Today, the ritual remains just as barbaric if not worse.

One thought on “A Brief History of Running

  1. Pingback: Another Gloomy Day in the Neighborhood | Muskoka Runner Girl

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