GETTING A JOB

Gravity. It’s what makes the world go round. And we’ve all got enough of it, so let’s move on.

Money. It’s a component of the world, which is, as we’ve already established, going round. And we’d all like some more of it, so let’s focus on this.

We can acquire money by finding it stashed under piles of leaves or, alternatively, by getting a job.

This week’s issue on employment is all about dealing with the daunting prospect of interviews. Stick by these three guiding principles and we guarantee you’ll nail the interview and get the job you’re after.

1.) Entrance. How you enter the room in which you’ll be interviewed is incredibly important. If you don’t choose the right entrance music you’re going to look like a prize idiot. Here’s a few do’s and don’not,s when choosing a song to lip-sync along to:

  • I’m Your Man by Wham-YES

[Tongue in cheek, a real winner]

  • I’m Your Man by Leonard Cohen- NO

[Awful song]

  • (Your Love Keeps Lifting Me) Higher And Higher by Jackie Wilson -YES

[If you mouth out ‘higher’ as ‘hire’ it can have an incredible subconscious effect on your interviewers]

  • Rape Me by Nirvana- NO

[Cliché, been done before]

For goodness sake do not choose a song if you don’t know the words. If you can’t lip sync accurately you’re going to look very unprepared to your potential employers; you may as well have come in with no entrance music at all. This might sound a bit over the top but it really is true.

For a guide on accurate lip syncing click here.

Would you rather know what the sound of snapping your fingers together sounds like? Click, hear.

2.) Attire. It’s all about the small details and covering up your inadequacies.  Looking business smart really can boost your chances of securing that job. It is absolutely essential that you bring a squash racquet into the room with you. No deal of note has ever been brokered outside of a squash court so you’ve got to demonstrate your proficiency. Got golf clubs? Great, bring them too.

(Interestingly, in 1938 Neville Chamberlain secured ‘Peace in our Time’ after crushing the Führer in a squash match. Hitler later referred to this game as just a ‘small rally’* and ‘a bit of a mess around’- oh, how we should have known!

*Had Hitler been brave enough to say this to Chamberlain’s face, perhaps the then PM would have possibly said ‘What about your big rallies, Adolph? HMMM.’

The course of history hinges on such details. How different it could have all been.)

3.) Affirmative responses. Be enthusiastic. In response to any question preface your answer with ‘absolutely’ to show just how definitive you are.

“What’s the weather like out there?”

“Absolutely mild.”

“Do you have any idea about what this job entails?”

“Absolutely.”

“Would you like a glass of water?”

“Absolutely not.”

Good Luck! You’ll crush it and if you’re feeling particularly bold, why not leave the room on a cheeky, ‘See you Tuesday’? The implication being you’ve awarded yourself the first Monday off, fully paid. Do be prepared to back down on this as it’s quite unreasonable considering how incompetent you’re likely to be in the role.

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