Our First Date & Halloween

The moment when she agreed to accompany me on a date was when the worrying began. A part of me wanted to exclaim ‘By Jove, I’ve done it!’ but I knew full well that it was this part of me that had regularly prevented me from getting any. I was also aware that this very part was considered by many people to be ‘my personality’. Subterfuge was the name of the game: hide ‘my personality’, Father said, and I’d do just fine.

Frankly, I’d asked her at the wrong time of the month. If I’d made my move earlier our autumnal date could have coincided with ‘harvest festival’ or ‘harvest time’ if you’re an Hindu.  Had it been harvest festival, I could have boldly presented her with a sheath of wheat and dropped a humour bomb, the eventual fallout being us two gallivanting between the sheets, giggles abounding (because of the joke I’d made earlier).

Better still, the date would have landed on a totally non-descript day of the year like in the song ‘I Just Called To Say I Love You’. I once spent three quarters of an hour trying to work out by elimination the exact day Stevie made that phone call to his concubine, but it was quite difficult and in the end I found myself saying ‘What are you doing with your life?’ over and over.

Instead, we’d agreed to go to a Halloween party together. This ruled out some real failproof outfits such as my whitewash denim dungarees that sagged due to the vast amount of badges I’d attached to it, otherwise known as the P-Magnet.

Costume was essential: if I went in a shit mask and regular gear it’d scream ‘scared of commitment’ whereas something too well wrought would reveal the uncomfortable truth that I’d never want her to be the bread winner. Not ever. Never.

I went as ‘The Gingerbread Man’, a decision that involved using a lot of my Nan’s fake tan without her permission.

I went to the party location as agreed. And there she was: the best looking corpse at the party, bar none. I told her that too.

“Hello Maisey.” God, harvest festival really would have been ideal.

“Oh Hi,” Funny how people rarely ever say other peoples’ names these days, “Do you know Dan?”

“Yes. You have amazing eyes.”

“I’m wearing novelty contact lenses.”

“Of course” I laughed, “That’s why your irises are redder than blood.”

Geddaroom, eh? Eh?                                                                                    Eh??

That was enough small talk. I decided to seal the deal by proving my prowess at apple bobbing; a dunk as old as time itself. Hands behind my back I was very efficient, if a little splashy, at getting fruit from the bowl of water I’d filled just 4 minutes prior.

But as I emerged from the water I realised I’d made a terrible mistake. By simultaneously having the apple in my mouth and smiling, whilst my hands were behind my back, Maisey must have presumed I loved bondage and nothing else. Like a bondage freak or something. When I realised this implication I spat out the apple immediately. It her on the small of her back  (she was walking away in disgust). Unfortunately, by then it was too late to impress her with my fruity marksmanship.

Still, I remained very much on the pull. With applely water dripping from my bronzed face, for lots of ghoulish gals I was no doubt a trickley treat.

A Brief History of Running

Like most great human discoveries- penicillin, the flamethrower- running came about entirely by accident.

Yonks ago B.C a humble caveman called ‘Long Hair’ was astriding over towards ‘Widest Hips’, the most beautiful and fertile girl in the village. (She was also one of those lucky people whose B.O smelt quite nice.) All in all, a great catch.

In his efforts to present Hips with a rattail necklace, Long Hair walked at such a pace that he lost his footing. Long Hair tripped. This caused all the other cavemen, particularly Darren, to burst into laughter.

But Long Hair was clever. He did it again and again, tripping more often than an inebriated Miranda Hart showing off at an ice rink that had been covered in Fairy Liquid, thus proving it was on purpose. Long Hair, unlike Miranda, understood that slapstick worked only as a surprise and its humourous effect could be completely negated by repetition. But, he did it so many times that he actually started running; propelled by his legs faster than ever before!

Unfortunately, this story does not have an entirely happy ending. Long Hair had no idea how to stop: how could he?

Long Hair trampled three people to death and only stopped running when he collided with an ostrich that wasn’t looking where it was standing. Long Hair didn’t survive his death: each one of them sacrifices for human progress.

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After the sack of Carthage, the art of running was completely lost for hundreds of years, preserved only by the peoples of the East jogging on the spot, taking turns when one grew tired. The West, stricken with division, slunk back into spiritual and cultural decline, citing existential and literal ‘shin splints.’

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Running has often attracted the attention sadistic individuals. Inventors of the ‘bleep test’ and ‘track’- otherwise known as ‘goose, goose, duck’- have been declared by some psychologists as a ‘bit serious.’

A recent discovery however has dashed the misconception that the ‘bleep test’ was the brainchild of some frustrated military man with a lot of issues. Rather, it was the Aztec prince Montezuma, who also had a lot of issues.

As we all know, Monty had a big penchant for stripping his subjects of their skin and wearing said skin about the town whilst painting it red. Only the last man standing from the Aztec bleep test would live to fight another day. Alas, since it was Montezuma who set the distance and went ‘beep’, nobody ever made it past the first round. Today, the ritual remains just as barbaric if not worse.

GETTING A JOB

Gravity. It’s what makes the world go round. And we’ve all got enough of it, so let’s move on.

Money. It’s a component of the world, which is, as we’ve already established, going round. And we’d all like some more of it, so let’s focus on this.

We can acquire money by finding it stashed under piles of leaves or, alternatively, by getting a job.

This week’s issue on employment is all about dealing with the daunting prospect of interviews. Stick by these three guiding principles and we guarantee you’ll nail the interview and get the job you’re after.

1.) Entrance. How you enter the room in which you’ll be interviewed is incredibly important. If you don’t choose the right entrance music you’re going to look like a prize idiot. Here’s a few do’s and don’not,s when choosing a song to lip-sync along to:

  • I’m Your Man by Wham-YES

[Tongue in cheek, a real winner]

  • I’m Your Man by Leonard Cohen- NO

[Awful song]

  • (Your Love Keeps Lifting Me) Higher And Higher by Jackie Wilson -YES

[If you mouth out ‘higher’ as ‘hire’ it can have an incredible subconscious effect on your interviewers]

  • Rape Me by Nirvana- NO

[Cliché, been done before]

For goodness sake do not choose a song if you don’t know the words. If you can’t lip sync accurately you’re going to look very unprepared to your potential employers; you may as well have come in with no entrance music at all. This might sound a bit over the top but it really is true.

For a guide on accurate lip syncing click here.

Would you rather know what the sound of snapping your fingers together sounds like? Click, hear.

2.) Attire. It’s all about the small details and covering up your inadequacies.  Looking business smart really can boost your chances of securing that job. It is absolutely essential that you bring a squash racquet into the room with you. No deal of note has ever been brokered outside of a squash court so you’ve got to demonstrate your proficiency. Got golf clubs? Great, bring them too.

(Interestingly, in 1938 Neville Chamberlain secured ‘Peace in our Time’ after crushing the Führer in a squash match. Hitler later referred to this game as just a ‘small rally’* and ‘a bit of a mess around’- oh, how we should have known!

*Had Hitler been brave enough to say this to Chamberlain’s face, perhaps the then PM would have possibly said ‘What about your big rallies, Adolph? HMMM.’

The course of history hinges on such details. How different it could have all been.)

3.) Affirmative responses. Be enthusiastic. In response to any question preface your answer with ‘absolutely’ to show just how definitive you are.

“What’s the weather like out there?”

“Absolutely mild.”

“Do you have any idea about what this job entails?”

“Absolutely.”

“Would you like a glass of water?”

“Absolutely not.”

Good Luck! You’ll crush it and if you’re feeling particularly bold, why not leave the room on a cheeky, ‘See you Tuesday’? The implication being you’ve awarded yourself the first Monday off, fully paid. Do be prepared to back down on this as it’s quite unreasonable considering how incompetent you’re likely to be in the role.